Everything Changes

Last week my kids returned to school. Accepting the fact that I have a high schooler, middle schooler, and elementary schooler shouldn’t be too difficult because it is the third year that this is true for me. But somehow this year everything seems to be moving too fast. Summer was fun! I wasn’t ready for it to end. And now I’m facing the fact that my high schooler will be taking big important tests this year that will determine — or largely influence — where she will attend college. I don’t want to think about college. I am having a hard time allowing time to progress as it inevitably will.

Perhaps you are experiencing this at a different stage of development. Maybe your preschooler just entered kindergarten. Or your toddler just started preschool. Or your fourth grader just moved up to 5th grade where they get real lockers! Maybe you are ahead of me and just dropped your freshman off at college and all you could think about was how in the world will he fend for himself at this huge place. Regardless of where you and your child are in terms of development, September is a big month of change for us all. For me, this month is more about resolutions and new habits than January because I always feel that the start of a school year is a clean slate — a perfect time to begin new things. So I’m trying something new this year. I’ve decided to embrace the fact that Everything Changes.

Embracing change when things are difficult

The idea that Everything Changes is very comforting when I’m experiencing a difficult or tumultuous time. I realize that I’m in the middle of a horrible experience but that it will not last forever. This is a skill we can teach our children too. If this year is starting off with many challenges for your child, acknowledge the difficulty as you also work to problem solve. Things will not always be difficult. This is the perfect opportunity to practice Grit and Resilience (read more about how to do that here).

When you face difficult things, you change your brain and your outlook. You see yourself as a conqueror. You have one more example in your experience that indicates you can do hard things. This is the message we want our kids to receive. If we fix or remove the challenges they are facing, we send the message that we don’t believe they can do it — that hard things are not possible to overcome on their own. This does not mean we leave them all alone to figure it out, but it does mean that we ask questions to help our kids problem solve on their own, and set the framework for helping them develop the capacity for deliberate practice (for some great examples, read about The Hard Thing Rule).

Embracing change when things are good

I have a harder time embracing change when things are going well. In fact, I was so caught up in noticing what I didn’t like about this coming school year that I almost missed the joy and happiness one of my children was feeling. She did not see the negative things I was stewing over. And by keeping my mouth closed and listening to her joy and all the things she was looking forward to, I was able to stop for a moment and see with her eyes — and acknowledge that she might be the one looking at change in the right way, not me.

For me, the antidote to embracing change when things are good is to be in the moment. Summer was great, but it is over now. What can I enjoy now? Can I see the excitement of a new year through my child’s eyes? Can I listen during the rare times my middle schooler wants to talk? Can I focus on something that will give me meaning when I have more time to myself? Can I carve out 15 minutes of focused kid time when we all reunite after a day of school and work?

If Everything Changes, it is really a choice between two options: Either acknowledge change and allow ourselves to be open to the possibilities of it and the opportunities it might afford, or fight it and get angry or depressed or annoyed that things change. When I look at my choices in this way, it is clear to me that fighting change won’t give me the result I want. To keep my child in a state of childhood is as absurd as trying to fast forward through winter (or, in the case of Seattle, most of the spring too). So let’s enjoy the growth of our children and the milestones that come and go. Stand close by as they move from totally dependent to less so each day. Everything Changes. Sometimes it is welcomed and sometimes we want to fight it with all that we are. But if we can practice staying in the moment, we will experience the beauty that Everything Changes.